I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize