you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
