Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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