just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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