Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
