I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
