You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
