how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
