I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
