when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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