At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Are my feet made of real feet?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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