this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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