What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
