i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
