dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
