he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
