girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
