I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
