I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
