don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
