If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize