all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Two words: blizzard sex
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
