I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
