I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
