u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize