My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
