You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
