ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
