Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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