Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize