I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
