Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
