I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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