Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
