note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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