Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
