Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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