the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
