I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize