Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Michael Bay diarrhea
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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