There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He uses pillows to masturbate.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
