She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
