Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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