Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
no you cant smoke seaweed
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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