I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
