$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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