i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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