I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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