Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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