1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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