Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
