Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
