I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
