hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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