Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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