I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
