That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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