The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
