in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
