I accidentally had phone sex last night
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
