This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
