Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
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