I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
