I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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