Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
