You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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