Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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