Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize