Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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