he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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