I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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