i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
it glows. i had to have it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
