I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
