How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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