just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize