I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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