the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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