Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
NoShamevember. You game?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
