I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
