i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
